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The Hate Inside

Posted by ekkin on Friday, November 9, 2007

I am so angry at everything right now. I hate feeling this way. Nothing seems to be right, even if I know deep down that it is. My husband’s hugs make me shake, Grace smile makes me cry. I hate this. If God didn’t want me to have this baby, then why did I have to get pregnant? I would have rather struggled to conceive than go through this. I can’t go anywhere, there are pregnant women everywhere. I look at them and all I can think is “What makes them so fucking special?”. I am lashing out at everyone. I can’t stop it, there’s just so much hate inside.

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2 Responses to “The Hate Inside”

  1. James said

    I know how you feel. We went through the same thing. We never told the children, but I still think of little John, the name he would have had. I thought of the proms and high school classes he missed and the people who never got to know him. And worse, we never got to know him. He was definately more than a miscariaged fetus. He was a human being.

    He died because of a poorly made product. We got a settlement check, and tried to forget. Last fall, we got another surprise check to bring it all back. We didn’t want the money.We wanted our kid after all of these years. Life sucks sometimes.

    It is hard. You are in mourning, for something that shouldn’t have happened, but you still have a lot to live for and people who depend on you. If someone had told us what I wrote, we wouldn’t have believed. The pain was too great.

  2. James said

    “Hosanna in the highest.
    Let us try to live our lost illusions.
    They’re the sun at night.
    If we don’t we’ll never taste
    The spice of life
    When it seems that we’re in a dead end street
    and there is reason to cry,
    we have a helping hand who’s always aside

    Forever light.”

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