Okay, since everyone is catching on to how AWESOME Maddox is, I have to bring up the fact that I have actually conversed with him via email…because he loves me! Actually, I wrote him complaining about his book and he wrote me back. But I am going to take the fact that responded for the fact that he loves me. Here’s the emails.
Mine:
I just wanted you to know that my husband has recently purchased your
book, The Alphabet of Manliness, and it is ruining my marriage. If I
have to listen to how clever it was to put a turtle as the beginning
picture of your “D is for taking a dump” chapter, which is quickly followed
with an over-said explanation on how a turtle could possibly be
revelant to doing number two, one more time, I will have to personally
destroy….you! Yes, I blame you. I have read this book of yours, and though
it is hilarious, even if somewhat sexist, okay somewhat my female ass,
you suck. You are brain washing my husband. We are about to have a baby,
in about three weeks actually, thank goodness it’s a girl, but if he
continues down this path of self-righteousness, which you have paved, I
may have to divorce him before the baby even gets here. That would make
my child born out of wedlock, for which I will hunt you down and hurt
you for!!! You should consider the greater consequences of your
actions. Please send me the antedote so I can return my husband to
the way he was and so I no longer have to put the toliet seat down
myself!
-A concerned wife
His response:
Badass! I’m making the world worse, one person at a time. Sexist
though? I love women!
Mine:
maybe not sexist, but idealistic? Believe me we are not trainable,
which is less than what i can say about men. You wait, there’s a leash
with your name on it out there. She will get you.
His:
I think she already has… I just got nagged at to “come back to bed.”
What can I say? My wang is in high demand.
…..
Then a couple of months ago, while he was on his book signing tour I found out he was going to be in Dallas….
Mine:
hi. I was curious if you would be interested in visiting a military
base. My husband is stationed at Fort Hood, Texas. We purchased your
book right after it came out and then passed it around his unit. They all
love it. Being in the military, they can’t really take the day off to
meet you at one of your scheduled signings. Would you come see us??
Thank you for your time!
His response:
Would love to, but it depends on how much time I have and which city
it’s close to. I’m going to be in Dallas tomorrow, but I get in a bit
later.. so I don’t know if I’ll be able to make it. How far away is
it?
Mine:
From Dallas? A little more than 2 hours. How long are you going to
be in Dallas? We are closer to Waco, if you know where that is. We are
an hour from Austin.
His:
Bummer, it probably won’t happen today then. I was in Austin on
Tuesday, so that would have been a better time. Best regards to your
husband and his buddies.. maybe some day in the future I’ll be able to
come out again. Thanks
See….he loves me.
