R.I.P Jonathon Lewis Vann *I love you!*

Okay, I haven’t really had time to talk about this, well, I haven’t really felt like talking about it. It’s still kind of…unreal. I am typing this, but I am still not feeling it. It’ll come, I know. Anyway, I want to spend a little bit of time to let everyone know what a wonderful person my cousin was and what he meant to me. John was my favorite cousin, he’s the only one that I have really hung out with. We use to party. I met some really cool people through him. That’s how John was, he was a good friend. He would always have some one with him. I invited him over for the 4th of July and he came all right and brought like 15 people I didn’t even know. But we had a blast. That was also the same year that I found him crying in my Mom’s room with her (She was his favorite Aunt, he use to call her Aunt Mel-Mo) because Jessica Earp had killed his baby. *If I ever fucking see you Bitch I will fuck you up! You are a murdering slut and you took away the one thing John KNEW he wanted!* Anyway, I remember one time me and my friend Ashleigh went to a party with him and one of his friends said something mean to me and we had to drag John away from there before he kicked his ass. He loved me… and I loved him. It’s nice to be able to know that. My sister died when I was 8, I don’t have many memories. But I do with John and I thank God for that. The one thing I regret is that John never got to meet Lee and Grace. He was working when we visited and he was suppose to meet them at the family reunion on the 30th of December. But he died before we could get there. One day before we left to come home. ONE DAY. I feel cheated. But I know he is in a better place. I love you John-John! This song was played at his funeral and it fits. I am going to put the lyrics… for me, screw all you…hahahahaha!
If I leave here tomorrow
Would you still remember me?
For I must be travelling on, now,
There’s too many places I haven’t seen
And if I stayed here with you, now
Things just wouldn’t be the same
Well I’m as free as a bird now,
And a bird you can not change.
And a bird you can not change.
And a bird you can not change.
Lord knows I can’t change

Bye, bye, its been a sweet love.
And though this feeling I can’t change.
Please don’t take it badly,
The Lord knows I’m to blame.
And, if I stayed here with you now
Things just wouldn’t be the same.
For I’m as free as a bird now,
And this bird you’ll never change.
And the bird you can not change.
And the bird you can not change.
Lord knows, I can’t change.
Lord help me, I can’t change.

Hope you found the peace you were always searching for in Heaven. I hope Brandy and Nana found you. Give them hugs and kisses for and I will see you all again some day.

my trip to kirbyville texas was slightly awesome/sad and I am going to talk about it now

okay, I haven’t written in awhile, but it’s not my fault. I just spent the last 6 days in Kirbyville. I was only suppose to spend Thursday night through Monday morning but ended up going up Wednesday night and got home today. Why? Because life isn’t fair, that’s why. We had just gotten back from clearing out our old apartment and my Dad called. He asked for Lee (weird…) then Lee came and took the baby from me and handed me the phone and I knew something was up. The first thing my Dad said was that it wasn’t my mom, so I thought maybe my Grampy… he said no. He said my cousin Jonathon had passed away in a car accident. I dropped the phone, I have no idea what I was doing. I ran for the stairs, but only made it half way up and collapsed. I felt like my head was going to explode. Not John, he was only 25. We use to party together, have good times. He was going to meet my baby and husband for the first time at the family reuinion that was suppose to be on Sunday. NO. I jumped in my car an hour later and drove 5 hours home. I don’t remember driving. I was in shock. I think I still am. I went to the viewing, the funeral, the burial. But it still doesn’t seem real. I can tell myself over and over that he is dead, I can say it out loud and I can know that it’s true, but I still don’t FEEL it. You know? I still can’t comprehend it. It sucks. My sister died when she was 14. She would be 26 on Thursday. They were my mom’s and Aunt Nelda’s (her TWIN sisters) middle children. It just doesn’t seem right, fair. Anyway, I don’t feel like blogging anymore. I’ll write more about the trip tomorrow.

gone

my cousin John is gone. Forever. Just like Brandy.

scared

I just called my Grandpa in Little Rock to tell him Merry Christmas and see what he’s been up to. He said he got more presents this Christmas than ever before. This should have made me happy, right? Wrong. I know why they did that, they don’t expect him to be here next Christmas. I haven’t seen him since the summer of 05. so he has never met Lee or Grace. We are trying to plan a trip up there soon so I can see him and he can met my family. He’s my only living grandparent (I have a grandmother but she’s sick and doesn’t even remember me and I never see her or talk to her) and I don’t want to lose him. When I asked him how he was doing he said he felt great….but he can no longer walk. He had a stroke a few years back and quadruple bypass surgery and lost the use of his left side. Now it’s almost all gone. He also said he didn’s have any energy, but in his words “I don’t need it to sit around and watch Fox News all day”. It was probably the most depressing thing I have ever heard. I love him so much and I feel bad for not seeing him more often, but he lives out of state and I am always moving around. God, let me see him one more time, please.